I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
