Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
