you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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