I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
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SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
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I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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