Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
