he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
