I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
