Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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