i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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