Sorry, I don't speak sober.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
