i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
