Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
