did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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