so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
