I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
