i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize