ya dads aren't the best wingmen
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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