dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
