I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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