I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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