the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
