this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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