I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize