needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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