cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
