Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
