put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
