I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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