you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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