If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
