is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
