My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
