new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We need a shit load of segways right now
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
