it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
