Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
