i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
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