I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Omg I joined a choir last night...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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