i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
They took my balls.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
