Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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