Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
