Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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