But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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