You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
