I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
