We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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