Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
