My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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