I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
