This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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