I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
