and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
