I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
