Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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