Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
